I wait....not because I want to but because my heart tells me to even though it is breaking inside.

Happiness is but a fleeting moment and I was happiest when i was with you..please do not say that our happiness is forever gone and nothing but a memory.

I wait patiently for a call that never comes, a letter that never arrives...and words that never seem to comfort me.

my happiness I was worried that it was too good to be true when I was with you, and hoped for the best but braced for the worst.

I wait with a pain that I can not get out of my chest because I want you to miss and love me as much as I miss and love you.

Tears have replaced my happiness, and I fear the words you say may be your last to me.

I wait because true love is hard to find and you are worth the wait, please tell me you feel the same.

Not only has my happiness been replaced but a fear grows with in me because what if.....what if....what.if.

I wait and long for your embrace once again, your kiss, your laughter and words telling me that it is all just a bad dream and you will never leave my side.

Seriously NOT ok

I have said it before but ignorance is only bliss for those who are ignorant, for everyone else you make life miserable. I don't know where I have been but I have just recently heard and seen news about the Westboro Baptist Church and I really wanted to scream. I kept watching more videos and am outraged that someone can think that way. I just want to remind you that the KKK, and Nazi's all claimed to be Christians as well. The God I know is not a God of hate, and what the message they are preaching they are training little kids to be Nazi's and are brainwashing them. Those without sin cast the first stone. The problem is that they really believe it, and it doesn't seem to matter to them. In my eyes we have terrorists in our own Nation.

It really upsets me that people can claim to be Christian and spit out a message of hate, and go to funerals of our fallen hero's and disrespect not only those being mourned, but those who are mourning. To be able to say "thank god for fallen soldiers" I would like to see what they say if they were placed in front of our brave service men and women. Shame on them and shame on anyone who believes this is good. What makes me sad, is that I don't think ANYTHING can make them see that what they are doing is not of God, and that they are doing damage. If you hate our country then why stay in America. Do not spit on those who fought for your freedoms to be able to say whatever you want. Do not spit on the families who have loved ones serving.

I have no respect for someone who is ignorant. I will not stoop to their level and wish bad things on them, but they are not of God, and certainly not of any god I would want to know. They put their own children at risk and turn the backs quickly on people in their own family. I think anyone should think twice before following someone who obviously does not know the meaning of Love in any form. People should be real careful about saying people are going to Hell, because I myself only know one judge, and he may not be happy with you for spitting out false things about Him.

So because people forget to say it enough, THANK YOU GOD for those who fought and died, and who fight and serve our country. Thank you for those of us strong enough to endure the hardships of being away from loved ones, and who understand what it truly means to love. And thank you God for being a GOD who loves, and loves all people regardless of what other people may say. I am proud to be an American, and I am not going to hell because of it. Freedom is not Free, so if you can't stand behind our military then stand in front of them.....yes that is not my own saying but its a good one.

Things that make you go hmmmm

Yes this was a popular song in the 90's but sometimes that expression is the only one that fits. In my sociology class we were watching a video about this young gay guy who was kicked out of his mothers house for being gay so he lived on the streets. Well another group of white supremacists came in and basically beat him practically to death simply because he was gay. YEARS later this guy who used to be a white supremacist became a better man, somehow sought rehabilitation and started to work at the Musuem of Tolernace. It was found out that this guy was the one who had helped beat this gay guy up and now they worked together. So when people tell you no one can change, this is an extreme case of change I believe but you have to let them change.

On a different side of "things that make you go hmm", have you ever wondered if facebook really helped people or hurt people. I mean think about it, if you do not have your settings set to private, complete strangers can actually see everything you are doing. BUT it does kind of help you see which of your friends are shady. I believe people can have intuition, but some people just don't listen to it. For instance, I am blessed with a great relationship. In fact he was easy on my because he didn't want to scare me off. Then we actually talked about changing our Facebook Status together. He did not hide being with me ever. Then he said "we need pictures together" and he was the first one to change his profile picture to one with us in it. Once again not hiding behind it. I have been blessed with an honest wonderful man whom I love. But many girls, and some guys too fall for people that are SHADY. And the thing is they KNOW that person is Shady yet, "oh but I love him/her" and I can't always say I followed the right road. BUT I just wish I could shake all those people and say "KNOW YOUR WORTH" if they don't see that you are worth it find someone who will because they are out there!

For instance I have a friend on Facebook. Has never admitted to anyone that he has a girlfriend. His status is actually hidden so he covers his bases I am assuming. Never has pictures of girls up on his profile, and yet there is a girl who posts on his wall that has a picture of him with her in her profile picture when ever it changes its a new picture of them together. Or there is the ones who one of them changes their status, and the other one still has single on theirs. Now if they aren't that much you can justify it, but if your news feed is always blowing up because of their activity on it then why is one of them thinking they are in a relationship and the other one not. And then there is another favorite of mine. Guys and girls who are SO into themselves, that the pictures even though they are only ever talking about how devoted they are to their significant other, are self shots, body shots and never with the person they are with. When one person is more into themselves then who they are with can it work out? Do you think the people who change their statuses yet their significant others don't, are they clueless or just don't care? Every relationship is different, but are some people waiting around in vain?

I am glad I am not single and not playing this game with my boyfriend, because we both don't like relationship games. It makes things a lot easier when both parties involved are honest and straightforward. The ones who are quick with their lies and seem shady are the ones you should worry about, because to them its all about the game till one day they lose that great thing they had or someone finds out the games they been playing. And that might leave them saying "things that make you go hmmmmm."

I have good days and bad days. I get used to the pit in my stomach especially when I sleep at night. I started answering unidentified calls just in case its you and I can hear your voice. I get jealous of the girls who talk about talking and emailing because it used to be that case before you went over there.

I take offense at anyone who is not behind our military, and try and make them see that the people fighting this war have loved ones back at home that worry themselves to sleep. I think to myself how dare they not stand behind the people who make it possible for them to live like they want, and tell them to be behind those who are fighting even if you are not believers in the war. And wish they would show you guys respect for the sacrifices you make for us.

I no longer care when people say bad things about how hard its gonna be while you are gone, or how you will change when you get back...because they don't know what we have baby...and I will wait for you til the end. A guy like you is hard to find...and I know because I had been searching for awhile till I met you.

Its hard to smile when I feel like crying, and one day feels like 20 its going by so slow. I fill my time the best I know how, but I just can't make time fly.

I meet other people on facebook who know what its like to love a marine, but I get jealous when they hear from theirs, even though I know that its because they are not where you are, and doing what you are doing.

I have lost my appetite for 3 days now and I can't pretend that I don't know why. I send messages to your email, facebook and even snail mail just so that when ever you get a chance you know that I care an think about you and long to hear from you.

I have become more patriotic then I ever really thought I would be simply because I am proud of you handsome, and I know that you are more than just my hero....but when you get home I will be the one that gets to kiss you.

I keep counting down in my head as if it may change how soon you will come back, and I look at a world clock just to know what time it is where you are so that in some way I feel like we are not so far.

I wonder about what you are doing at this moment, what you are missing, and how often I come to your mind. I wonder if you sleep at night.

I think about all our time before you left and I wait to have more when you get back......but some days are good and some days are bad...today was just a really bad day.

Have a heart

I like being a lone...its called being an introvert. When I have spent lots of time being around other people I like to retreat and just be by myself. Thoughts are constantly in my head because of this too. People in the past have said I over think things. But I think some people just don't think enough.
I am a sensitive person, which is why some people say I shouldn't do the things in life that I want to do including trying to get into the coast guard. But I think that is exactly why I should be doing what I want to do in life. We are okay with people being desensitized, but the ones who have emotions...those are the ones people think there is something wrong with. Well what if the ones who showed their emotions were the ones who were normal? I wear my heart on my sleeve, and have been hurt, cut down, told I was too sensitive because I couldn't seem to hide my emotions. Sure it has left me vulnerable, and it has burned me before. But that in my head is no reason to stop being who I am. Those people have tried to stifle me yet they did not win, they could not break me.
I have had horrible stories in my life and I know that I am not the only one who has tragedy in their lives. But it doesn't matter because I am a stronger person because of it......some think my emotions make me weak, but I think they show that I am human and capable of love. In this world where there seems to be so many who lack love or have a clear understanding, I know what love is.

Love is a girlfriend who even though there is distance between her and her man remains faithful,
Love is a man who puts his life at risk for his country and the loved ones back at home understanding that it is his duty.
Love is a country coming together because of tragedy even if the tragedy did not happen to their own country.
Love is showing respect even when you do not feel like it at times.
Love is never forgetting to say kind words, when sometimes its easier to say the mean ones.
Love is being there for a friend even though you feel like crying yourself.
Love is doing those things you don't enjoy because you know your significant other does enjoy it.
Love is trusting that man with your heart, even though many have tried to tear it apart before.
Love is not fearing the future and enjoying the time right here, right now, and trusting that God will let there be more moments together.
Love is putting others before you.

Yes I have a heart, and am not ashamed of that. People who claim to feel nothing have built up a wall and I think its time to break down the walls.

Excuse me but I am pissed off and don't feel like using better words to not offend someone.

Okay I am sorry if using the words pissed off has offended anyone......but you know what offends me??????? Is when a guy who is either married or has a girlfriend has such arrogance to think that I am so desperate as to fulfill his needs and be his side dish.

Some of them are guys that I was dating at one time, and they decided to go with their "other choice" but then....weeks, or months, or even years later they think to themselves, oh lets talk to this girl whom has not contacted me, but I want a little taste.....well you don't get to taste! You had your chance, and I will not settle for being some one's side dish or dirty little secret. I am sorry that you thought this nice girl could be taken advantage of, but you thought wrong. Just because you don't see my worth, and you also don't see the worth of the person you are with, does not mean you get to have what you want when you want it.

I think I am upset, because it has happened one 2 many times this month, and one guy who actually did try to cheat on me with his girlfriend told me through conversation one day that he was having women problems. I told him that it was partly his own fault, he went on to say that he knew he was a good guy and as long as he was "loyal and honest" he would find a good girl. Now I couldn't let it slide, I told him that if he was indeed a nice guy he had a funny way of showing it, because he had not been loyal or honest. Well he didn't want to hear the truth and that is the end of that.

So I am sorry if for any reason you looked at me and thought "oh this girl I can save for a little bit of dessert" because I know there are plenty of women out there who would be down for that......so instead of trying to mess with me, why don't you call them up? Or better yet, why don't you treat your girl with some respect and figure out why YOU even deserve a girl who doesn't know you are trying to creep behind her back. And saying "what she doesn't know won't hurt anyone" is not helping your case. You may be able to justify it in your sick twisted and demented head, but luckily I have morals and can't do the same. Or if being in your relationship is so miserable that you feel like you need to be in someone else's arms then maybe you should think about breaking up instead of lying and cheating.

Okay I am done venting.

Thicker skin

I don't usually have a thick skin. I am tenderhearted and feel with my heart. I have been on a new journey this year though. Realizing more and more not all people you call friends can be trusted and the term friend can be fleeting. I have spent a lot of time by myself scared to face crowds, afraid that because of everything I have been going through I would be that awkward girl that would burst into tears and no one would know what to do with me. Or to the opposite extreme and punch some annoying person in the face. S I dealt with everything by myself. Concentrated on school and one on one friend moments when a friend came around. Or hiding by hanging out with people who didn't know me at all so I could hide in a false sense of security.

I hate sometimes the fact that experiences that you don't choose make you stronger. But the fact that I can laugh in the face of an enemy is enough for me. Those who don't think I am strong enough to survive have not walked a mile in my shoes and don't know my story. And now I run...run from those who want to do me harm. I do not need to save everyone it is not my job, especially if the ones I am trying to save only want to drown me. I do not have to make everyone happy because those that count and care will be glad that I can wear a smile on my face and laugh even though times are tough.

I have realized that the only one that can live my life is me. I can do what I can to make the world a better place, but if I am not enjoying life then isn't it all fleeting? I want to live it and not let it pass me by. I want to finish the race strong and know that my life was not with out purpose. Those who come to kick me when I am already down are the ones that are cowards and will be surprised when they see me get up....and smile and just walk away instead of harming them.

I can face the world again, a little of me is different...but stronger. Every battle I fight and lose will not keep me down until God decides my time here is done. But I will keep getting up.....sometimes it may not be as soon as people expect. but I will get up and see the beauty in things even through my pain. I will look at the bright side of things...maybe not always but wait and you will see my genuine smile again because thats who I am. I may not have thick skin, but I don't know that even with everything I have experienced that I want thick skin. I want to feel when someone cuts me. but more than that I want to feel when someone touches me and helps me up because even though not all people can be trusted.. I can't live life without people, love and laughter. I want my heart to bleed so I still want to help, I want to be able to take risks in life and love.

So heres to you......the ones who thrive on those you think are weaker than you. The ones who are cowards and hide, the ones who never really learn to live but to try and keep others down because it makes you feel better about yourself. The ones who think that trust, kindness, and love is a weakness. Here's to you for you just created a warrior in me. I don't need your thick skin to survive. I am a phoenix whom you tried to kill, but created a beautiful life in the midst of ashes.