Many times in life I have been told that I "am too sensitive, care too much, it is not your problem so why are you stressing about it." And its true to an extent, I care deeply about others. I care when I shouldn't. I have a hard time just cutting people out of my life even if I know that i should. I get hurt because I give people chances when others think that I should just write them off.
I had a conversation with a friend, who always seems to get me thinking about some of the tougher things that maybe others won't bring up. She told me that maybe sometimes I get mixed up in who I should care for and who I have empathy for. My empathy seems to go out to everyone, but she told me that when you care, your heart gets involved and that I needed to be careful with my heart. Her words lingered on with me. They made me think when I stressed about another friend getting a DUI, when a friend got arrested the day before Thanksgiving, and is going to trial after Christmas, when a friend was sick and I wanted to take care of them, when my friend was moving and I wanted to help.
Then afterwards I got sick....my body can't deal with it all, and neither can my heart. I think I worry for other people, more than I worry for myself. I would risk not eating at times just to make sure my friend was okay. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, but what I realized I always tried to help, even when they didn't always want it. i try to see the good in people, even when others say they are with out hope. I know I can not change people, but I guess I keep doing it hoping and praying that in a small way those things will make a difference someday.
And yes maybe I need to learn not to care so deeply about people, when my heart is at risk, but how does someone shut it off? I guess you are never to old for lessons in the complexities of life.

Just a tip

Okay so for the most part I have fun at my job. Its not always easy, and its isn't always fun, but I seem to enjoy it. So you may be wondering what it is I do to get that green stuff they call money. Okay well I do valet.

Its great because I get to drive fast, and expensive cars...... okay and also the sometimes inexpensive and slow ones.

But the times you might hear me complain the most about this job are: ( the following are real life scenarios)
I get handed a set of keys to retrieve a car. I get there and realize it is a Jaguar. Am I dreaming, okay maybe to some its not that nice or fancy, but to me I am saying to myself "I am in a Jaguar, and I get to drive it!" I after a few failed attempts at figuring out how to drive it and then figured out that you have to wait for the console to come up once the car is turned on, whirred in into drive and pulled forward in this black beauty. I get out of the car, put my best smile on and retrieve the valet tickets on the car and wait for this baby's owner. The guy hands me what I thought was a wad of money and gets in and drives his baby off. I look down and open the crumbled wad of money that he handed me to find out that he had tipped me a dollar.

Next scenario:
I run like mad to retrieve a car, in which because of the busy night I had been running a lot that evening. I whirr a nice mercedez benz around and graciously open the door and await. @ ladies come scurring out, the driver will not even look at me and they scoot as fast as they can into the car and drive off with me being stiffed of a tip and of being treated like a human.

Yes, and I could tell you other stories that would probably make you laugh, but upset people who do valet. I guess when you know that someone is driving a really expensive car you figure you will get more than a dollar tip. But what upset me most was that the guy made it seem like he WAS handing me a wad of cash. And with the other scenario, I am an understanding person, and so are many valets. So if you don't have cash, say "I am so sorry I don't have any cash", and thank them but treat them like humans because they are in fact humans, but don't try the whole oh if I don't see them they don't see me act, because it really doesn't work.

Okay so those are your tips about tipping for today. Please join me again in these adventures in valet parking.

Sharing

It hit me today, when I found out that a friend of mine was pregnant, that life is really strange. I mean I already knew this obviously....but

I realize that because I am single and have no kids that I can be very self focused. And On facebook I see my friends talking about this life they have that I really can't seem to understand. But it got me thinking, am I a bad friend, a bad sister because I don't always seem to think about asking the questions that may be obvious to ask if you were also married with kids.

I respect them so much, and think wow could I do that? because at times I don't think I can. And I sometimes wonder what my married friends think about my life, because I always seem to contemplate about theirs.

I just think that sometimes life is funny and weird, but its a good thing.

Goodbyes

I hate saying goodbye. I have been recently thinking about that a lot. I saw a card that said there was no good in goodbyes. And I have a friend that says "goodbye forever" when ever he is telling someone goodbye.

I know that I am not the only one that doesn't like it. And everyone handles it differently. But the truth of the matter is you never know when that good bye will be " Goodbye forever". Life is short. And no matter what, through all the loved ones that I have lost, friends that I have had to say goodbye to and watched them leave, or friends that I said goodbye to because I left, I ask myself this question: Is it better to guard against love, friendship, and joy because you know that eventually you will have to say goodbye? Or is it worth the pain in the end to have all these good memories, know that you gave your all in it and hoping that these goodbyes will not be those "Goodbye forevers", but if they are that you are a better person because of it?

I met a friend who I found out was leaving to Germany. Knowing how sometimes I can distance myself with people that I care about when I find out they are leaving a friend asked me " Well isn't it better to hurt now, rather than to invest in this person and to care for this person and it just hurt more later in the end?" Well yes that would have normally been my response, but as I get older I learn that I don't want to miss out on something simply because of fear. And my response to her kind of shocked me. I told her through tears that isn't it better to give it my all and have a good time and possibly get hurt rather than always be careful because people have the potential of hurting you?

It seems this summer I have had to get good at goodbyes, but I don't believe that these are goodbye forevers. So many friends had to move and it has been sad watching them go and trusting that our friendships can withstand the distance. So today is another bitter sweet day as i say goodbye to another friend. And I pray that this is not a goodbye forever.

Influence

I have been thinking about who my influences are and who I influence. I believe I know so many people that have influenced my life, but when I think about it, how do I know if I have influenced anyone elses life? Is it easier to see how other people have been influenced by people rather than what kind of impact you may have made yourself?
There are things that I try to do, to make this place and world better, but is it enough to influence anyone? I don't know.

Why is it that it is easier to either ignore someone, or tell them a bit of a lie than to come out with how you really feel or think. Like if someone asks you if you like their shirt, and you secretly hate it but don't want to hurt their feelings some people say " Oh that's interesting" or change the subject hoping the other person does not realize. Others may actually flat out say " Oh I love it" rather than tell them the truth and still others might just be rude about it.
The reason I have been thinking about this so much is because while dating you might think well this person is great but there is no chemistry, or this person is trouble and I should stay away, or I really like this person but I shouldn't let them know. And then it seems the games begin.
Why does it seem that it is easier to ignore someone than to tell them what's up? is it really that we are trying to protect their feelings? or are we really just trying to protect ourselves. We don't want to seem like the jerk, or burn any bridges or feel guilty if the other person is hurt. So instead we go from being hot, to cold. To wanting to hang out, to all of a sudden being to busy. Instead of being like " I could make time for you, but I am not sure I want that yet", or " Look I moved too fast and now I want to slow it down" Instead we give each other these lines that may be half truths, or avoid the person. When probably the person on the other end is thinking,"What did I do?" When probably it was nothing and the person just didn't know how to say something or break it off. I realized how bad this can be because I have been on both sides of this. One where I am the one ignoring or feeding some excuse, but also one where I am left not understanding why they just don't talk to me about what happened.
Then there is the case where you know it is not gonna go anywhere and you know they are trouble and you should cut them out of your life but you don't. it almost seems easier at times to be the one cut out rather than to be the one cutting.

I wonder at times what it would look like if we were more honest with each other, not in an evil way of where i will say it so my words will cut you kind of way. But a way where like we said what we were feeling, thinking, and meaning instead of leaving it open for interpretation. Like if a freind was wearing that shirt and asked if you liked it, saying " Well honestly it is not something I would pick out to wear." Or " you know maybe you should try this shirt instead" maybe then if we started to be honest about these small things than it wouldn't be so bad to be honest with the big things.

Always 2 sides

You know there is always 2 sides 2 every story. I find it facinating how if 2 people told the same story than you would probably hear 2 different stories. It's how people interpret the stories that make it seem so different. People's personalities also some people see a rose as red, some people see a rose as romance and it is just so interesting. I don't know what really got me started on this whole understanding people business but I love to try and figure people out.
I was watching a movie the other day where this guy believed that this life sized doll was a person and it got me thinking about how people deal with pain so differently. Some people create more personalities so that they do not have to deal with it, some people block it off, some people don't let people get close to them, some people show no emotion at all, and some show and share to much. But everyone is different and I think it is so beautiful.

Changing it up

okay so I realize the last few posts have been primarily about dating, but that is not what I intended. So I am going to try and mix it up, which is what I wanted to do with the last post but it seems like because i mentioned that i thought about the last post in reguards to dating some people thought it was still about dating. it wasn't it was about my life and how maybe I just have become another adult set in her ways and afraid of taking risks.

I was asked the question like 2 weeks ago and of course am still thinking about it. But this person asked me when was the last time I took a risk. I couldn't answer him, so I managed to change the subject with out having to answer.

Maybe so much of what I have done as an adventure is not as advnturous as I think. But then I think, who would quit a job they hate with out a back up plan. Yes it was awhile ago but it was a risk right? And how many peopel go back to college being older and neve having attained a degree before? I think in my own way those are risks I take because everyday it is a choice for me not to quit when it gets hard, not to end it all when I know that times are rough and I may not be where I thought I would be at my age.

I had a heart to heart with a friend over starbucks. She told me some things that were hard to hear, but also good to hear. Maybe at times I think and care to much about what other people think. She told me that it is my life, so I need to enjoy it and that she was worried about me. it for some reason really struck me because I think some times I am good at hiding. Trying so hard to put on that smile for people, but when a friend is true they can see through it.

So behind this facade of saying, well its my personality. I have to face the fact that there is character flaw in not committing. Not even in a relationship stand point. I seem to be afraid of committing to a major in school, committing to simple plans, committing to being a friend, committing to being a family member. I want to keep everything at arms length. And I blame it on my strengths and myers briggs (ask me about it if you don't know what that is). But am I using that as an excuse to not let life in? Maybe I am afraid to live life out the older I get. i don't want that to be my fate though. i don't want to be afraid to risk, to make mistakes, of what people think.
So tomorrow I am going to go on an adventure. I don't have a plan, I just know that it is something I need to prove that I am still living my life. No one can live it for me.

I usually don't

Lately I have been thinking how much I limit myself. I mean aren't we all guilty of it? I put these limits on myself, maybe for protection maybe just out of fear. It came out of context while I have been dating. I would think or say " I don't usually do this........" and then it wasn't so bad or scary afterwards. But then I started thinking, how much of that do I carry into my normal every day to day life? I mean it is real easy for me to think "Well no one has these expectations on me because I can't do this, or I don't normally do that" and when the opportunity actually arises I can do it, and maybe it should become something that I do more regularly.
How often am I able to take a risk, but don't? How often am I able to say, I can do this, but don't? How often can I make a difference even if its just a small one, but think to myself "I don't know how because I don't normally do this sort of thing."
Maybe what it really comes down to is that I am scared, scared that people may expect more out of me, and worse that maybe I will expect more out of me.

Adventures in Dating

Sometimes I think, man, are there not any normal guys out there to date, but the fun part of it is that I usually have a good story about it if it goes really wrong after the fact. I know that most of the time I should just trust my first instincts but many times I want to be nice and give them a chance and blah, blah, blah.

Okay so one story, a guy invited me out for drinks, he couldn't remember where the place was, so I got annoyed because well I had already said yes when he told me where we were gonna meet. So sure enough I got lost and he didn't really know what to tell me. So then I get there and of course he looks NOTHING like his pictures, and why do guys lie about their height? If I am 5'2" I know when you are barely taller than me that you are no 5'8". So then we sat down, and I didn't actually get an alcoholic drink and he was questioning me as to why. Well this then started to be a game of where he was trying to fix everything that came out of my mouth, so I then stopped talking and was bored and getting tired so I started yawning. He noticed, which was good and said he would finish his beer and we could leave, but then he ordered another beer. Let's just say at the end of the night I extended my hand for a hand shake and he gave me an awkward side hug.

Another story, this guy and I talked on the phone, and he talked about how he liked to play piano after working out because it calmed him down. He sounded feminine, but I was willing to let that slide. He asked to meet up, and so I told him of a couple places and he wanted to pick me up, but I said no lets just meet there. This time HE got lost, so even though I thought I was gonna be late, he was ( I have hardly ever been on a first date where the guy had actually been waiting on me, the guy has always been late.) He seemed very feminine, but we had good conversation, or at least he did. He talked a lot which didn't bother me, but every time he asked me a question and I would start to talk he seemed to get distracted and I never actually finished a sentence. He asked me about going to a theater, he wanted to see Phantom of the Opera which apparently is playing somewhere. And then he became obsessed with my hands and told me "Some guys are about legs, some are about asses, I am a hand guy." Well he seemed more like he had a hand fetish. So then he asked me to show him around Downey, and he went to use the restroom. When he came back he had glossy lips. Okay so I am thinking, really does this guy not know he is gay? because I am reading all the signs, but maybe he just hasn't figured it out yet?

And then online, which this has not yet happened to me or I probably wouldn't have been doing much of the online dating thing, I got a pop up saying that someone wanted to chat with me. And it pops up and the guy's first line to me is "I'll give you $ for a BJ". What the????????? Um I clicked off so fast forgetting that I probably could have reported him and blocked him. But I thought I had already had a block up . And then another guy who stopped talking to me because I had not been able to hang out with him more than 1 every 2 weeks, and got upset when I told him I was seeing other guys sent me a message that read "Hey, if you ever want to get away for the weekend let me know, you can come stay over here and hang out with me from friday to sunday. Its not that bad of a drive but its a nice area with a tennis court across the street and all. I like your new pics, I wish I could of had that:( You still have my number right?" And I had only been out with him twice and never even kissed the guy. Oh it has been interesting. There have been guys that have told me it would be my loss if I never responded to them ( Which makes me not respond to them) and one guy even told me that Dr. Phil told him that we should be together. Makes you wonder where they get this stuff.

Now I know that I may not be the perfect date either, because when I am ready to be done with the date, I just want to get out of there. But really, I think I should start a book about dating memoirs. It is fun to an extent, but man I would love to be just done with the whole dating thing already. I would like to settle down you know instead of playing the field. But I can't seem to find the normal guys, or someone who doesn't annoy me. Oh well I got 2 more dates this week. So maybe I will have more material for my book, or maybe I will get so annoyed that I just stop dating altogether.

Attraction Matters

Okay I have been guilty of it too, but who are we kidding attraction matters.

Attraction for me starts the first time they may show interest. They took the reigns and winked at me. ( I am going to use online dating terms and scenarios) So I check out their profile, and of course their pictures. Okay so far so good, so I wink back.

First attraction, they made a small attempt at making the first move, that is hot to me.

Then if they want to take it to the next level and actually email me. Next attraction for me is if they sound smart, and have something more interesting to say to me then, wow your pretty.

Second attraction, are the educated or at least seem like they have some kind of education. And also still being a man by starting that communication.

And then they proceed by giving my their number or asking for mine, and then seeing how long it actually takes for them to call or if they even call you.

Then for me a big part is the sound of their voice. I mean if I have to listen to them I might as well like the way they sound.

And then of course on the first date how they treat you.

Now I have been opposed to kissing on the first date in the past, but I really think that some of the things are case by case, and I am not against it anymore especially since I am guilty of it as well.

So there needs to be a continuous flow of attraction. You can't just have it all in one area. And the attraction will hopefully be there when you meet as well. I mean you can't have a complete relationship with a guy that you can only talk to on the phone because that is the only place you have chemistry. Just like you can't have a relationship with a guy that you would only make out with just so that he would stop talking and you wouldn't have to hear his voice.

Attraction is important, so I guess we all should just actually own up to it.

* I am sure this will piss some people off, and I do know as well as the next that it can't solely be based off of appearance and what not. So this is my disclaimer. The views posted here are just for fun .Please do not hold Serena responsible for any offense you might have felt.

Playing the Field

I have been dating multiple guys online. Some people have viewed it as bad, but I have been having fun with it. But the question I seem to ask myself is, "Are male or female better at this?"

I thought I was doing well with this. I was being polite, and even letting guys now right away if they tried to communicate with that I wasn't interested in them by sending the polite response, and also letting them know if after one date I was not interested. But then I started to go out with more interesting guys, guys that maybe I would want to go out with more than once. Now it seems to be harder to play the field. Of course some guys make it easy to continue to play the field because they are too scared of making a move that even after 5 dates they still seem weird about you even going in for a hug. Or tell you that they need to see you more than once every 2 weeks. Or text you a long message on New years Eve about how they like you. So With that I have been able to "keep playing the field". But then, wow you meet some guys who actually are interesting, not afraid of physical contact, and wow seem interested in you for more than just what they see. So I stopped playing the field. But then he talks to you and tells you that he is seeing other girls.

Okay so it is MUCH better when guys are staight up with you from the start. And I was honset with him as well because I honsetly was not seeing any other guys as I was seeing him, but now I am like well I can't be the one that feels more so I got to keep playing the field. Which makes me wonder if I am not very good at it. And then it makes me wonder, well I told him that i wasn't seeing any one else so now if I start,how do I bring it up because i don't want to look like I was lying to him.

I mean in relationships you always risk something. And when asked if I was looking for a serious relationship, I would say no I mean not right off the bat. So why should it bother me if they are doing something that I just wish I was better at? Maybe because I wasn't designed that way. I want someone to choose me, yet with online dating the ocean is full of fish. And you get back to the fact that the ones that do choose you, you don't want. And the ones that you want either don't choose just you or just don't choose you.

So is playing the field the way to go? I don't know, I mean even with trying to not put all your eggs in one basket you do risk getting hurt because that just happens when ever you start to let some one in your life. The things I do know is that I had been having fun, I have some great stories to tell based off of all my dating in the past couple of months, and I have also been treated like a lady and also have great stories to tell of a different kind through that. But maybe I can't handle it when I actually start to like someone. I mean isn't that when most people decide they don't want to play the field any more?