Excuse me but I am pissed off and don't feel like using better words to not offend someone.

Okay I am sorry if using the words pissed off has offended anyone......but you know what offends me??????? Is when a guy who is either married or has a girlfriend has such arrogance to think that I am so desperate as to fulfill his needs and be his side dish.

Some of them are guys that I was dating at one time, and they decided to go with their "other choice" but then....weeks, or months, or even years later they think to themselves, oh lets talk to this girl whom has not contacted me, but I want a little taste.....well you don't get to taste! You had your chance, and I will not settle for being some one's side dish or dirty little secret. I am sorry that you thought this nice girl could be taken advantage of, but you thought wrong. Just because you don't see my worth, and you also don't see the worth of the person you are with, does not mean you get to have what you want when you want it.

I think I am upset, because it has happened one 2 many times this month, and one guy who actually did try to cheat on me with his girlfriend told me through conversation one day that he was having women problems. I told him that it was partly his own fault, he went on to say that he knew he was a good guy and as long as he was "loyal and honest" he would find a good girl. Now I couldn't let it slide, I told him that if he was indeed a nice guy he had a funny way of showing it, because he had not been loyal or honest. Well he didn't want to hear the truth and that is the end of that.

So I am sorry if for any reason you looked at me and thought "oh this girl I can save for a little bit of dessert" because I know there are plenty of women out there who would be down for that......so instead of trying to mess with me, why don't you call them up? Or better yet, why don't you treat your girl with some respect and figure out why YOU even deserve a girl who doesn't know you are trying to creep behind her back. And saying "what she doesn't know won't hurt anyone" is not helping your case. You may be able to justify it in your sick twisted and demented head, but luckily I have morals and can't do the same. Or if being in your relationship is so miserable that you feel like you need to be in someone else's arms then maybe you should think about breaking up instead of lying and cheating.

Okay I am done venting.

Thicker skin

I don't usually have a thick skin. I am tenderhearted and feel with my heart. I have been on a new journey this year though. Realizing more and more not all people you call friends can be trusted and the term friend can be fleeting. I have spent a lot of time by myself scared to face crowds, afraid that because of everything I have been going through I would be that awkward girl that would burst into tears and no one would know what to do with me. Or to the opposite extreme and punch some annoying person in the face. S I dealt with everything by myself. Concentrated on school and one on one friend moments when a friend came around. Or hiding by hanging out with people who didn't know me at all so I could hide in a false sense of security.

I hate sometimes the fact that experiences that you don't choose make you stronger. But the fact that I can laugh in the face of an enemy is enough for me. Those who don't think I am strong enough to survive have not walked a mile in my shoes and don't know my story. And now I run...run from those who want to do me harm. I do not need to save everyone it is not my job, especially if the ones I am trying to save only want to drown me. I do not have to make everyone happy because those that count and care will be glad that I can wear a smile on my face and laugh even though times are tough.

I have realized that the only one that can live my life is me. I can do what I can to make the world a better place, but if I am not enjoying life then isn't it all fleeting? I want to live it and not let it pass me by. I want to finish the race strong and know that my life was not with out purpose. Those who come to kick me when I am already down are the ones that are cowards and will be surprised when they see me get up....and smile and just walk away instead of harming them.

I can face the world again, a little of me is different...but stronger. Every battle I fight and lose will not keep me down until God decides my time here is done. But I will keep getting up.....sometimes it may not be as soon as people expect. but I will get up and see the beauty in things even through my pain. I will look at the bright side of things...maybe not always but wait and you will see my genuine smile again because thats who I am. I may not have thick skin, but I don't know that even with everything I have experienced that I want thick skin. I want to feel when someone cuts me. but more than that I want to feel when someone touches me and helps me up because even though not all people can be trusted.. I can't live life without people, love and laughter. I want my heart to bleed so I still want to help, I want to be able to take risks in life and love.

So heres to you......the ones who thrive on those you think are weaker than you. The ones who are cowards and hide, the ones who never really learn to live but to try and keep others down because it makes you feel better about yourself. The ones who think that trust, kindness, and love is a weakness. Here's to you for you just created a warrior in me. I don't need your thick skin to survive. I am a phoenix whom you tried to kill, but created a beautiful life in the midst of ashes.