Thicker skin

I don't usually have a thick skin. I am tenderhearted and feel with my heart. I have been on a new journey this year though. Realizing more and more not all people you call friends can be trusted and the term friend can be fleeting. I have spent a lot of time by myself scared to face crowds, afraid that because of everything I have been going through I would be that awkward girl that would burst into tears and no one would know what to do with me. Or to the opposite extreme and punch some annoying person in the face. S I dealt with everything by myself. Concentrated on school and one on one friend moments when a friend came around. Or hiding by hanging out with people who didn't know me at all so I could hide in a false sense of security.

I hate sometimes the fact that experiences that you don't choose make you stronger. But the fact that I can laugh in the face of an enemy is enough for me. Those who don't think I am strong enough to survive have not walked a mile in my shoes and don't know my story. And now I run...run from those who want to do me harm. I do not need to save everyone it is not my job, especially if the ones I am trying to save only want to drown me. I do not have to make everyone happy because those that count and care will be glad that I can wear a smile on my face and laugh even though times are tough.

I have realized that the only one that can live my life is me. I can do what I can to make the world a better place, but if I am not enjoying life then isn't it all fleeting? I want to live it and not let it pass me by. I want to finish the race strong and know that my life was not with out purpose. Those who come to kick me when I am already down are the ones that are cowards and will be surprised when they see me get up....and smile and just walk away instead of harming them.

I can face the world again, a little of me is different...but stronger. Every battle I fight and lose will not keep me down until God decides my time here is done. But I will keep getting up.....sometimes it may not be as soon as people expect. but I will get up and see the beauty in things even through my pain. I will look at the bright side of things...maybe not always but wait and you will see my genuine smile again because thats who I am. I may not have thick skin, but I don't know that even with everything I have experienced that I want thick skin. I want to feel when someone cuts me. but more than that I want to feel when someone touches me and helps me up because even though not all people can be trusted.. I can't live life without people, love and laughter. I want my heart to bleed so I still want to help, I want to be able to take risks in life and love.

So heres to you......the ones who thrive on those you think are weaker than you. The ones who are cowards and hide, the ones who never really learn to live but to try and keep others down because it makes you feel better about yourself. The ones who think that trust, kindness, and love is a weakness. Here's to you for you just created a warrior in me. I don't need your thick skin to survive. I am a phoenix whom you tried to kill, but created a beautiful life in the midst of ashes.