The Mind of a Nebraska Girl living in L.A

2011-04-28T20:44:00.001-07:00

I wait....not because I want to but because my heart tells me to even though it is breaking inside.

Happiness is but a fleeting moment and I was happiest when i was with you..please do not say that our happiness is forever gone and nothing but a memory.

I wait patiently for a call that never comes, a letter that never arrives...and words that never seem to comfort me.

my happiness I was worried that it was too good to be true when I was with you, and hoped for the best but braced for the worst.

I wait with a pain that I can not get out of my chest because I want you to miss and love me as much as I miss and love you.

Tears have replaced my happiness, and I fear the words you say may be your last to me.

I wait because true love is hard to find and you are worth the wait, please tell me you feel the same.

Not only has my happiness been replaced but a fear grows with in me because what if.....what if....what.if.

I wait and long for your embrace once again, your kiss, your laughter and words telling me that it is all just a bad dream and you will never leave my side.

Seriously NOT ok

2011-04-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

I have said it before but ignorance is only bliss for those who are ignorant, for everyone else you make life miserable. I don't know where I have been but I have just recently heard and seen news about the Westboro Baptist Church and I really wanted to scream. I kept watching more videos and am outraged that someone can think that way. I just want to remind you that the KKK, and Nazi's all claimed to be Christians as well. The God I know is not a God of hate, and what the message they are preaching they are training little kids to be Nazi's and are brainwashing them. Those without sin cast the first stone. The problem is that they really believe it, and it doesn't seem to matter to them. In my eyes we have terrorists in our own Nation.

It really upsets me that people can claim to be Christian and spit out a message of hate, and go to funerals of our fallen hero's and disrespect not only those being mourned, but those who are mourning. To be able to say "thank god for fallen soldiers" I would like to see what they say if they were placed in front of our brave service men and women. Shame on them and shame on anyone who believes this is good. What makes me sad, is that I don't think ANYTHING can make them see that what they are doing is not of God, and that they are doing damage. If you hate our country then why stay in America. Do not spit on those who fought for your freedoms to be able to say whatever you want. Do not spit on the families who have loved ones serving.

I have no respect for someone who is ignorant. I will not stoop to their level and wish bad things on them, but they are not of God, and certainly not of any god I would want to know. They put their own children at risk and turn the backs quickly on people in their own family. I think anyone should think twice before following someone who obviously does not know the meaning of Love in any form. People should be real careful about saying people are going to Hell, because I myself only know one judge, and he may not be happy with you for spitting out false things about Him.

So because people forget to say it enough, THANK YOU GOD for those who fought and died, and who fight and serve our country. Thank you for those of us strong enough to endure the hardships of being away from loved ones, and who understand what it truly means to love. And thank you God for being a GOD who loves, and loves all people regardless of what other people may say. I am proud to be an American, and I am not going to hell because of it. Freedom is not Free, so if you can't stand behind our military then stand in front of them.....yes that is not my own saying but its a good one.

Things that make you go hmmmm

2011-04-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

Yes this was a popular song in the 90's but sometimes that expression is the only one that fits. In my sociology class we were watching a video about this young gay guy who was kicked out of his mothers house for being gay so he lived on the streets. Well another group of white supremacists came in and basically beat him practically to death simply because he was gay. YEARS later this guy who used to be a white supremacist became a better man, somehow sought rehabilitation and started to work at the Musuem of Tolernace. It was found out that this guy was the one who had helped beat this gay guy up and now they worked together. So when people tell you no one can change, this is an extreme case of change I believe but you have to let them change.

On a different side of "things that make you go hmm", have you ever wondered if facebook really helped people or hurt people. I mean think about it, if you do not have your settings set to private, complete strangers can actually see everything you are doing. BUT it does kind of help you see which of your friends are shady. I believe people can have intuition, but some people just don't listen to it. For instance, I am blessed with a great relationship. In fact he was easy on my because he didn't want to scare me off. Then we actually talked about changing our Facebook Status together. He did not hide being with me ever. Then he said "we need pictures together" and he was the first one to change his profile picture to one with us in it. Once again not hiding behind it. I have been blessed with an honest wonderful man whom I love. But many girls, and some guys too fall for people that are SHADY. And the thing is they KNOW that person is Shady yet, "oh but I love him/her" and I can't always say I followed the right road. BUT I just wish I could shake all those people and say "KNOW YOUR WORTH" if they don't see that you are worth it find someone who will because they are out there!

For instance I have a friend on Facebook. Has never admitted to anyone that he has a girlfriend. His status is actually hidden so he covers his bases I am assuming. Never has pictures of girls up on his profile, and yet there is a girl who posts on his wall that has a picture of him with her in her profile picture when ever it changes its a new picture of them together. Or there is the ones who one of them changes their status, and the other one still has single on theirs. Now if they aren't that much you can justify it, but if your news feed is always blowing up because of their activity on it then why is one of them thinking they are in a relationship and the other one not. And then there is another favorite of mine. Guys and girls who are SO into themselves, that the pictures even though they are only ever talking about how devoted they are to their significant other, are self shots, body shots and never with the person they are with. When one person is more into themselves then who they are with can it work out? Do you think the people who change their statuses yet their significant others don't, are they clueless or just don't care? Every relationship is different, but are some people waiting around in vain?

I am glad I am not single and not playing this game with my boyfriend, because we both don't like relationship games. It makes things a lot easier when both parties involved are honest and straightforward. The ones who are quick with their lies and seem shady are the ones you should worry about, because to them its all about the game till one day they lose that great thing they had or someone finds out the games they been playing. And that might leave them saying "things that make you go hmmmmm."

2011-03-16T16:52:00.000-07:00

I have good days and bad days. I get used to the pit in my stomach especially when I sleep at night. I started answering unidentified calls just in case its you and I can hear your voice. I get jealous of the girls who talk about talking and emailing because it used to be that case before you went over there.

I take offense at anyone who is not behind our military, and try and make them see that the people fighting this war have loved ones back at home that worry themselves to sleep. I think to myself how dare they not stand behind the people who make it possible for them to live like they want, and tell them to be behind those who are fighting even if you are not believers in the war. And wish they would show you guys respect for the sacrifices you make for us.

I no longer care when people say bad things about how hard its gonna be while you are gone, or how you will change when you get back...because they don't know what we have baby...and I will wait for you til the end. A guy like you is hard to find...and I know because I had been searching for awhile till I met you.

Its hard to smile when I feel like crying, and one day feels like 20 its going by so slow. I fill my time the best I know how, but I just can't make time fly.

I meet other people on facebook who know what its like to love a marine, but I get jealous when they hear from theirs, even though I know that its because they are not where you are, and doing what you are doing.

I have lost my appetite for 3 days now and I can't pretend that I don't know why. I send messages to your email, facebook and even snail mail just so that when ever you get a chance you know that I care an think about you and long to hear from you.

I have become more patriotic then I ever really thought I would be simply because I am proud of you handsome, and I know that you are more than just my hero....but when you get home I will be the one that gets to kiss you.

I keep counting down in my head as if it may change how soon you will come back, and I look at a world clock just to know what time it is where you are so that in some way I feel like we are not so far.

I wonder about what you are doing at this moment, what you are missing, and how often I come to your mind. I wonder if you sleep at night.

I think about all our time before you left and I wait to have more when you get back......but some days are good and some days are bad...today was just a really bad day.

Have a heart

2011-03-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

I like being a lone...its called being an introvert. When I have spent lots of time being around other people I like to retreat and just be by myself. Thoughts are constantly in my head because of this too. People in the past have said I over think things. But I think some people just don't think enough.
I am a sensitive person, which is why some people say I shouldn't do the things in life that I want to do including trying to get into the coast guard. But I think that is exactly why I should be doing what I want to do in life. We are okay with people being desensitized, but the ones who have emotions...those are the ones people think there is something wrong with. Well what if the ones who showed their emotions were the ones who were normal? I wear my heart on my sleeve, and have been hurt, cut down, told I was too sensitive because I couldn't seem to hide my emotions. Sure it has left me vulnerable, and it has burned me before. But that in my head is no reason to stop being who I am. Those people have tried to stifle me yet they did not win, they could not break me.
I have had horrible stories in my life and I know that I am not the only one who has tragedy in their lives. But it doesn't matter because I am a stronger person because of it......some think my emotions make me weak, but I think they show that I am human and capable of love. In this world where there seems to be so many who lack love or have a clear understanding, I know what love is.

Love is a girlfriend who even though there is distance between her and her man remains faithful,
Love is a man who puts his life at risk for his country and the loved ones back at home understanding that it is his duty.
Love is a country coming together because of tragedy even if the tragedy did not happen to their own country.
Love is showing respect even when you do not feel like it at times.
Love is never forgetting to say kind words, when sometimes its easier to say the mean ones.
Love is being there for a friend even though you feel like crying yourself.
Love is doing those things you don't enjoy because you know your significant other does enjoy it.
Love is trusting that man with your heart, even though many have tried to tear it apart before.
Love is not fearing the future and enjoying the time right here, right now, and trusting that God will let there be more moments together.
Love is putting others before you.

Yes I have a heart, and am not ashamed of that. People who claim to feel nothing have built up a wall and I think its time to break down the walls.

Excuse me but I am pissed off and don't feel like using better words to not offend someone.

2010-09-28T13:58:00.001-07:00

Okay I am sorry if using the words pissed off has offended anyone......but you know what offends me??????? Is when a guy who is either married or has a girlfriend has such arrogance to think that I am so desperate as to fulfill his needs and be his side dish.

Some of them are guys that I was dating at one time, and they decided to go with their "other choice" but then....weeks, or months, or even years later they think to themselves, oh lets talk to this girl whom has not contacted me, but I want a little taste.....well you don't get to taste! You had your chance, and I will not settle for being some one's side dish or dirty little secret. I am sorry that you thought this nice girl could be taken advantage of, but you thought wrong. Just because you don't see my worth, and you also don't see the worth of the person you are with, does not mean you get to have what you want when you want it.

I think I am upset, because it has happened one 2 many times this month, and one guy who actually did try to cheat on me with his girlfriend told me through conversation one day that he was having women problems. I told him that it was partly his own fault, he went on to say that he knew he was a good guy and as long as he was "loyal and honest" he would find a good girl. Now I couldn't let it slide, I told him that if he was indeed a nice guy he had a funny way of showing it, because he had not been loyal or honest. Well he didn't want to hear the truth and that is the end of that.

So I am sorry if for any reason you looked at me and thought "oh this girl I can save for a little bit of dessert" because I know there are plenty of women out there who would be down for that......so instead of trying to mess with me, why don't you call them up? Or better yet, why don't you treat your girl with some respect and figure out why YOU even deserve a girl who doesn't know you are trying to creep behind her back. And saying "what she doesn't know won't hurt anyone" is not helping your case. You may be able to justify it in your sick twisted and demented head, but luckily I have morals and can't do the same. Or if being in your relationship is so miserable that you feel like you need to be in someone else's arms then maybe you should think about breaking up instead of lying and cheating.

Okay I am done venting.

Thicker skin

2010-08-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

I don't usually have a thick skin. I am tenderhearted and feel with my heart. I have been on a new journey this year though. Realizing more and more not all people you call friends can be trusted and the term friend can be fleeting. I have spent a lot of time by myself scared to face crowds, afraid that because of everything I have been going through I would be that awkward girl that would burst into tears and no one would know what to do with me. Or to the opposite extreme and punch some annoying person in the face. S I dealt with everything by myself. Concentrated on school and one on one friend moments when a friend came around. Or hiding by hanging out with people who didn't know me at all so I could hide in a false sense of security.

I hate sometimes the fact that experiences that you don't choose make you stronger. But the fact that I can laugh in the face of an enemy is enough for me. Those who don't think I am strong enough to survive have not walked a mile in my shoes and don't know my story. And now I run...run from those who want to do me harm. I do not need to save everyone it is not my job, especially if the ones I am trying to save only want to drown me. I do not have to make everyone happy because those that count and care will be glad that I can wear a smile on my face and laugh even though times are tough.

I have realized that the only one that can live my life is me. I can do what I can to make the world a better place, but if I am not enjoying life then isn't it all fleeting? I want to live it and not let it pass me by. I want to finish the race strong and know that my life was not with out purpose. Those who come to kick me when I am already down are the ones that are cowards and will be surprised when they see me get up....and smile and just walk away instead of harming them.

I can face the world again, a little of me is different...but stronger. Every battle I fight and lose will not keep me down until God decides my time here is done. But I will keep getting up.....sometimes it may not be as soon as people expect. but I will get up and see the beauty in things even through my pain. I will look at the bright side of things...maybe not always but wait and you will see my genuine smile again because thats who I am. I may not have thick skin, but I don't know that even with everything I have experienced that I want thick skin. I want to feel when someone cuts me. but more than that I want to feel when someone touches me and helps me up because even though not all people can be trusted.. I can't live life without people, love and laughter. I want my heart to bleed so I still want to help, I want to be able to take risks in life and love.

So heres to you......the ones who thrive on those you think are weaker than you. The ones who are cowards and hide, the ones who never really learn to live but to try and keep others down because it makes you feel better about yourself. The ones who think that trust, kindness, and love is a weakness. Here's to you for you just created a warrior in me. I don't need your thick skin to survive. I am a phoenix whom you tried to kill, but created a beautiful life in the midst of ashes.

2009-12-04T16:16:00.000-08:00

Many times in life I have been told that I "am too sensitive, care too much, it is not your problem so why are you stressing about it." And its true to an extent, I care deeply about others. I care when I shouldn't. I have a hard time just cutting people out of my life even if I know that i should. I get hurt because I give people chances when others think that I should just write them off.
I had a conversation with a friend, who always seems to get me thinking about some of the tougher things that maybe others won't bring up. She told me that maybe sometimes I get mixed up in who I should care for and who I have empathy for. My empathy seems to go out to everyone, but she told me that when you care, your heart gets involved and that I needed to be careful with my heart. Her words lingered on with me. They made me think when I stressed about another friend getting a DUI, when a friend got arrested the day before Thanksgiving, and is going to trial after Christmas, when a friend was sick and I wanted to take care of them, when my friend was moving and I wanted to help.
Then afterwards I got sick....my body can't deal with it all, and neither can my heart. I think I worry for other people, more than I worry for myself. I would risk not eating at times just to make sure my friend was okay. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, but what I realized I always tried to help, even when they didn't always want it. i try to see the good in people, even when others say they are with out hope. I know I can not change people, but I guess I keep doing it hoping and praying that in a small way those things will make a difference someday.
And yes maybe I need to learn not to care so deeply about people, when my heart is at risk, but how does someone shut it off? I guess you are never to old for lessons in the complexities of life.

Just a tip

2009-08-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

Okay so for the most part I have fun at my job. Its not always easy, and its isn't always fun, but I seem to enjoy it. So you may be wondering what it is I do to get that green stuff they call money. Okay well I do valet.

Its great because I get to drive fast, and expensive cars...... okay and also the sometimes inexpensive and slow ones.

But the times you might hear me complain the most about this job are: ( the following are real life scenarios)
I get handed a set of keys to retrieve a car. I get there and realize it is a Jaguar. Am I dreaming, okay maybe to some its not that nice or fancy, but to me I am saying to myself "I am in a Jaguar, and I get to drive it!" I after a few failed attempts at figuring out how to drive it and then figured out that you have to wait for the console to come up once the car is turned on, whirred in into drive and pulled forward in this black beauty. I get out of the car, put my best smile on and retrieve the valet tickets on the car and wait for this baby's owner. The guy hands me what I thought was a wad of money and gets in and drives his baby off. I look down and open the crumbled wad of money that he handed me to find out that he had tipped me a dollar.

Next scenario:
I run like mad to retrieve a car, in which because of the busy night I had been running a lot that evening. I whirr a nice mercedez benz around and graciously open the door and await. @ ladies come scurring out, the driver will not even look at me and they scoot as fast as they can into the car and drive off with me being stiffed of a tip and of being treated like a human.

Yes, and I could tell you other stories that would probably make you laugh, but upset people who do valet. I guess when you know that someone is driving a really expensive car you figure you will get more than a dollar tip. But what upset me most was that the guy made it seem like he WAS handing me a wad of cash. And with the other scenario, I am an understanding person, and so are many valets. So if you don't have cash, say "I am so sorry I don't have any cash", and thank them but treat them like humans because they are in fact humans, but don't try the whole oh if I don't see them they don't see me act, because it really doesn't work.

Okay so those are your tips about tipping for today. Please join me again in these adventures in valet parking.

Sharing

2009-08-11T22:14:00.000-07:00

It hit me today, when I found out that a friend of mine was pregnant, that life is really strange. I mean I already knew this obviously....but

I realize that because I am single and have no kids that I can be very self focused. And On facebook I see my friends talking about this life they have that I really can't seem to understand. But it got me thinking, am I a bad friend, a bad sister because I don't always seem to think about asking the questions that may be obvious to ask if you were also married with kids.

I respect them so much, and think wow could I do that? because at times I don't think I can. And I sometimes wonder what my married friends think about my life, because I always seem to contemplate about theirs.

I just think that sometimes life is funny and weird, but its a good thing.

Goodbyes

2009-07-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

I hate saying goodbye. I have been recently thinking about that a lot. I saw a card that said there was no good in goodbyes. And I have a friend that says "goodbye forever" when ever he is telling someone goodbye.

I know that I am not the only one that doesn't like it. And everyone handles it differently. But the truth of the matter is you never know when that good bye will be " Goodbye forever". Life is short. And no matter what, through all the loved ones that I have lost, friends that I have had to say goodbye to and watched them leave, or friends that I said goodbye to because I left, I ask myself this question: Is it better to guard against love, friendship, and joy because you know that eventually you will have to say goodbye? Or is it worth the pain in the end to have all these good memories, know that you gave your all in it and hoping that these goodbyes will not be those "Goodbye forevers", but if they are that you are a better person because of it?

I met a friend who I found out was leaving to Germany. Knowing how sometimes I can distance myself with people that I care about when I find out they are leaving a friend asked me " Well isn't it better to hurt now, rather than to invest in this person and to care for this person and it just hurt more later in the end?" Well yes that would have normally been my response, but as I get older I learn that I don't want to miss out on something simply because of fear. And my response to her kind of shocked me. I told her through tears that isn't it better to give it my all and have a good time and possibly get hurt rather than always be careful because people have the potential of hurting you?

It seems this summer I have had to get good at goodbyes, but I don't believe that these are goodbye forevers. So many friends had to move and it has been sad watching them go and trusting that our friendships can withstand the distance. So today is another bitter sweet day as i say goodbye to another friend. And I pray that this is not a goodbye forever.

Influence

2009-07-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about who my influences are and who I influence. I believe I know so many people that have influenced my life, but when I think about it, how do I know if I have influenced anyone elses life? Is it easier to see how other people have been influenced by people rather than what kind of impact you may have made yourself?
There are things that I try to do, to make this place and world better, but is it enough to influence anyone? I don't know.

2009-06-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

Why is it that it is easier to either ignore someone, or tell them a bit of a lie than to come out with how you really feel or think. Like if someone asks you if you like their shirt, and you secretly hate it but don't want to hurt their feelings some people say " Oh that's interesting" or change the subject hoping the other person does not realize. Others may actually flat out say " Oh I love it" rather than tell them the truth and still others might just be rude about it.
The reason I have been thinking about this so much is because while dating you might think well this person is great but there is no chemistry, or this person is trouble and I should stay away, or I really like this person but I shouldn't let them know. And then it seems the games begin.
Why does it seem that it is easier to ignore someone than to tell them what's up? is it really that we are trying to protect their feelings? or are we really just trying to protect ourselves. We don't want to seem like the jerk, or burn any bridges or feel guilty if the other person is hurt. So instead we go from being hot, to cold. To wanting to hang out, to all of a sudden being to busy. Instead of being like " I could make time for you, but I am not sure I want that yet", or " Look I moved too fast and now I want to slow it down" Instead we give each other these lines that may be half truths, or avoid the person. When probably the person on the other end is thinking,"What did I do?" When probably it was nothing and the person just didn't know how to say something or break it off. I realized how bad this can be because I have been on both sides of this. One where I am the one ignoring or feeding some excuse, but also one where I am left not understanding why they just don't talk to me about what happened.
Then there is the case where you know it is not gonna go anywhere and you know they are trouble and you should cut them out of your life but you don't. it almost seems easier at times to be the one cut out rather than to be the one cutting.

I wonder at times what it would look like if we were more honest with each other, not in an evil way of where i will say it so my words will cut you kind of way. But a way where like we said what we were feeling, thinking, and meaning instead of leaving it open for interpretation. Like if a freind was wearing that shirt and asked if you liked it, saying " Well honestly it is not something I would pick out to wear." Or " you know maybe you should try this shirt instead" maybe then if we started to be honest about these small things than it wouldn't be so bad to be honest with the big things.

Always 2 sides

2009-06-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

You know there is always 2 sides 2 every story. I find it facinating how if 2 people told the same story than you would probably hear 2 different stories. It's how people interpret the stories that make it seem so different. People's personalities also some people see a rose as red, some people see a rose as romance and it is just so interesting. I don't know what really got me started on this whole understanding people business but I love to try and figure people out.
I was watching a movie the other day where this guy believed that this life sized doll was a person and it got me thinking about how people deal with pain so differently. Some people create more personalities so that they do not have to deal with it, some people block it off, some people don't let people get close to them, some people show no emotion at all, and some show and share to much. But everyone is different and I think it is so beautiful.

Changing it up

2009-04-02T19:54:00.000-07:00

okay so I realize the last few posts have been primarily about dating, but that is not what I intended. So I am going to try and mix it up, which is what I wanted to do with the last post but it seems like because i mentioned that i thought about the last post in reguards to dating some people thought it was still about dating. it wasn't it was about my life and how maybe I just have become another adult set in her ways and afraid of taking risks.

I was asked the question like 2 weeks ago and of course am still thinking about it. But this person asked me when was the last time I took a risk. I couldn't answer him, so I managed to change the subject with out having to answer.

Maybe so much of what I have done as an adventure is not as advnturous as I think. But then I think, who would quit a job they hate with out a back up plan. Yes it was awhile ago but it was a risk right? And how many peopel go back to college being older and neve having attained a degree before? I think in my own way those are risks I take because everyday it is a choice for me not to quit when it gets hard, not to end it all when I know that times are rough and I may not be where I thought I would be at my age.

I had a heart to heart with a friend over starbucks. She told me some things that were hard to hear, but also good to hear. Maybe at times I think and care to much about what other people think. She told me that it is my life, so I need to enjoy it and that she was worried about me. it for some reason really struck me because I think some times I am good at hiding. Trying so hard to put on that smile for people, but when a friend is true they can see through it.

So behind this facade of saying, well its my personality. I have to face the fact that there is character flaw in not committing. Not even in a relationship stand point. I seem to be afraid of committing to a major in school, committing to simple plans, committing to being a friend, committing to being a family member. I want to keep everything at arms length. And I blame it on my strengths and myers briggs (ask me about it if you don't know what that is). But am I using that as an excuse to not let life in? Maybe I am afraid to live life out the older I get. i don't want that to be my fate though. i don't want to be afraid to risk, to make mistakes, of what people think.
So tomorrow I am going to go on an adventure. I don't have a plan, I just know that it is something I need to prove that I am still living my life. No one can live it for me.

I usually don't

2009-04-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been thinking how much I limit myself. I mean aren't we all guilty of it? I put these limits on myself, maybe for protection maybe just out of fear. It came out of context while I have been dating. I would think or say " I don't usually do this........" and then it wasn't so bad or scary afterwards. But then I started thinking, how much of that do I carry into my normal every day to day life? I mean it is real easy for me to think "Well no one has these expectations on me because I can't do this, or I don't normally do that" and when the opportunity actually arises I can do it, and maybe it should become something that I do more regularly.
How often am I able to take a risk, but don't? How often am I able to say, I can do this, but don't? How often can I make a difference even if its just a small one, but think to myself "I don't know how because I don't normally do this sort of thing."
Maybe what it really comes down to is that I am scared, scared that people may expect more out of me, and worse that maybe I will expect more out of me.

Adventures in Dating

2009-02-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think, man, are there not any normal guys out there to date, but the fun part of it is that I usually have a good story about it if it goes really wrong after the fact. I know that most of the time I should just trust my first instincts but many times I want to be nice and give them a chance and blah, blah, blah.

Okay so one story, a guy invited me out for drinks, he couldn't remember where the place was, so I got annoyed because well I had already said yes when he told me where we were gonna meet. So sure enough I got lost and he didn't really know what to tell me. So then I get there and of course he looks NOTHING like his pictures, and why do guys lie about their height? If I am 5'2" I know when you are barely taller than me that you are no 5'8". So then we sat down, and I didn't actually get an alcoholic drink and he was questioning me as to why. Well this then started to be a game of where he was trying to fix everything that came out of my mouth, so I then stopped talking and was bored and getting tired so I started yawning. He noticed, which was good and said he would finish his beer and we could leave, but then he ordered another beer. Let's just say at the end of the night I extended my hand for a hand shake and he gave me an awkward side hug.

Another story, this guy and I talked on the phone, and he talked about how he liked to play piano after working out because it calmed him down. He sounded feminine, but I was willing to let that slide. He asked to meet up, and so I told him of a couple places and he wanted to pick me up, but I said no lets just meet there. This time HE got lost, so even though I thought I was gonna be late, he was ( I have hardly ever been on a first date where the guy had actually been waiting on me, the guy has always been late.) He seemed very feminine, but we had good conversation, or at least he did. He talked a lot which didn't bother me, but every time he asked me a question and I would start to talk he seemed to get distracted and I never actually finished a sentence. He asked me about going to a theater, he wanted to see Phantom of the Opera which apparently is playing somewhere. And then he became obsessed with my hands and told me "Some guys are about legs, some are about asses, I am a hand guy." Well he seemed more like he had a hand fetish. So then he asked me to show him around Downey, and he went to use the restroom. When he came back he had glossy lips. Okay so I am thinking, really does this guy not know he is gay? because I am reading all the signs, but maybe he just hasn't figured it out yet?

And then online, which this has not yet happened to me or I probably wouldn't have been doing much of the online dating thing, I got a pop up saying that someone wanted to chat with me. And it pops up and the guy's first line to me is "I'll give you $ for a BJ". What the????????? Um I clicked off so fast forgetting that I probably could have reported him and blocked him. But I thought I had already had a block up . And then another guy who stopped talking to me because I had not been able to hang out with him more than 1 every 2 weeks, and got upset when I told him I was seeing other guys sent me a message that read "Hey, if you ever want to get away for the weekend let me know, you can come stay over here and hang out with me from friday to sunday. Its not that bad of a drive but its a nice area with a tennis court across the street and all. I like your new pics, I wish I could of had that:( You still have my number right?" And I had only been out with him twice and never even kissed the guy. Oh it has been interesting. There have been guys that have told me it would be my loss if I never responded to them ( Which makes me not respond to them) and one guy even told me that Dr. Phil told him that we should be together. Makes you wonder where they get this stuff.

Now I know that I may not be the perfect date either, because when I am ready to be done with the date, I just want to get out of there. But really, I think I should start a book about dating memoirs. It is fun to an extent, but man I would love to be just done with the whole dating thing already. I would like to settle down you know instead of playing the field. But I can't seem to find the normal guys, or someone who doesn't annoy me. Oh well I got 2 more dates this week. So maybe I will have more material for my book, or maybe I will get so annoyed that I just stop dating altogether.

Attraction Matters

2009-01-17T08:58:00.001-08:00

Okay I have been guilty of it too, but who are we kidding attraction matters.

Attraction for me starts the first time they may show interest. They took the reigns and winked at me. ( I am going to use online dating terms and scenarios) So I check out their profile, and of course their pictures. Okay so far so good, so I wink back.

First attraction, they made a small attempt at making the first move, that is hot to me.

Then if they want to take it to the next level and actually email me. Next attraction for me is if they sound smart, and have something more interesting to say to me then, wow your pretty.

Second attraction, are the educated or at least seem like they have some kind of education. And also still being a man by starting that communication.

And then they proceed by giving my their number or asking for mine, and then seeing how long it actually takes for them to call or if they even call you.

Then for me a big part is the sound of their voice. I mean if I have to listen to them I might as well like the way they sound.

And then of course on the first date how they treat you.

Now I have been opposed to kissing on the first date in the past, but I really think that some of the things are case by case, and I am not against it anymore especially since I am guilty of it as well.

So there needs to be a continuous flow of attraction. You can't just have it all in one area. And the attraction will hopefully be there when you meet as well. I mean you can't have a complete relationship with a guy that you can only talk to on the phone because that is the only place you have chemistry. Just like you can't have a relationship with a guy that you would only make out with just so that he would stop talking and you wouldn't have to hear his voice.

Attraction is important, so I guess we all should just actually own up to it.

* I am sure this will piss some people off, and I do know as well as the next that it can't solely be based off of appearance and what not. So this is my disclaimer. The views posted here are just for fun .Please do not hold Serena responsible for any offense you might have felt.

Playing the Field

2009-01-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

I have been dating multiple guys online. Some people have viewed it as bad, but I have been having fun with it. But the question I seem to ask myself is, "Are male or female better at this?"

I thought I was doing well with this. I was being polite, and even letting guys now right away if they tried to communicate with that I wasn't interested in them by sending the polite response, and also letting them know if after one date I was not interested. But then I started to go out with more interesting guys, guys that maybe I would want to go out with more than once. Now it seems to be harder to play the field. Of course some guys make it easy to continue to play the field because they are too scared of making a move that even after 5 dates they still seem weird about you even going in for a hug. Or tell you that they need to see you more than once every 2 weeks. Or text you a long message on New years Eve about how they like you. So With that I have been able to "keep playing the field". But then, wow you meet some guys who actually are interesting, not afraid of physical contact, and wow seem interested in you for more than just what they see. So I stopped playing the field. But then he talks to you and tells you that he is seeing other girls.

Okay so it is MUCH better when guys are staight up with you from the start. And I was honset with him as well because I honsetly was not seeing any other guys as I was seeing him, but now I am like well I can't be the one that feels more so I got to keep playing the field. Which makes me wonder if I am not very good at it. And then it makes me wonder, well I told him that i wasn't seeing any one else so now if I start,how do I bring it up because i don't want to look like I was lying to him.

I mean in relationships you always risk something. And when asked if I was looking for a serious relationship, I would say no I mean not right off the bat. So why should it bother me if they are doing something that I just wish I was better at? Maybe because I wasn't designed that way. I want someone to choose me, yet with online dating the ocean is full of fish. And you get back to the fact that the ones that do choose you, you don't want. And the ones that you want either don't choose just you or just don't choose you.

So is playing the field the way to go? I don't know, I mean even with trying to not put all your eggs in one basket you do risk getting hurt because that just happens when ever you start to let some one in your life. The things I do know is that I had been having fun, I have some great stories to tell based off of all my dating in the past couple of months, and I have also been treated like a lady and also have great stories to tell of a different kind through that. But maybe I can't handle it when I actually start to like someone. I mean isn't that when most people decide they don't want to play the field any more?

Don't beat a horse if it's already dead!

2008-11-20T19:13:00.000-08:00

Recent experiences make me cringe to think about how you can find some one attractive initially and then wham it hits you, "Not Attractive. what was I thinking!" On this note I have decided also to be a bit more open minded when I am not always initially attracted to some one.

My perspective comes from the fact a guy that I recently sort of had a date with, denies the fact that it was a date. When I pressed him a bit further he was even more wishy washy and so I just told him straight up that we were just friends. I guess main point is that I don't want a guy who can't stand up and make it clear even if it means that his ego is bruised a bit. Then ( oh and all of this through text even when he constantly says " I know you don't like having conversations through texting", yet still does it!) he tells me he was sorry and proceeded to act in accordance with everything of not just acting like a friend. I know now that some men are just clueless. So on this search of mine for a healthy relationship I have decided that just because I am initially attracted to some one does not mean that he will stay that way, and so why can't it be that even if you aren't initially attracted to a guy that it can't blossom in to something with so much more depth than a stalker. I mean yes I know that with out a doubt whom ever I end up with I MUST be attracted to, because other wise how could I get intimate with him on any level. But just like I don't only want a man to go after me for my looks so why do I constantly go after a guy because of his? Am I my own double standard? But to get back on the men out there who don't want to bruise their egos:
1) girls like a guy who are risk takers in love, so even if she says no take that risk, other girls notice that you weren't afraid to ask and maybe the next time it won't be a no.
2) If you want to take her out on a date then do not say " hey you want to hang out?" Ask her on a date. if you do in fact just want to hang out then say that, be clear about your intentions so that a girl won't be misled. if you want it to be a date but have previously been just friends, make sure she knows that this time it is because might be interested in more. I think there is much to muddy water around that could have been avoided if you keep dirt away from the water. yes it is okay to want to hang out just as friends, but at some point one or the other will be asking questions so clear it up.
3) Don't text a girl that you want to take out, that also shows that you are scared. Call her or ask her in person. Hmm maybe do it like the did in the "old days" you know before all this technology. Just like you wouldn't break up with some one through a text you shouldn't ask them out through a text.
4) And most importantly don't beat a horse if its dead, if you guys went out once and she isn't calling or texting you back she is not into you. So don't all of a sudden out of the blue try to clear things up. It is confusing, and usually makes what chance of friendship there was obsolete.

Hmm I do think it is good for single people to date, and not just try to wait till God brings the man or woman of their dreams to their door step. lets face it unless they are a door to door sales person ( and they are really few these days!) I don't think its gonna happen with out some work on your part. Nothing good ever comes easy. And you learn a lot about things you like and dislike through dating. Like oh, she talked about herself the whole time, or he was texting people through out the whole date and that is something that really bothers you you know, but you can't really get that out of your system and keep wondering about if she or he was the one if you say no to every guy or don't ever ask a girl out. And maybe initially you aren't that attracted to them, but maybe you have chemistry together and you wouldn't have known that if you never gave it a shot. Just maybe they are the one you have been looking for.

dating 101 (men this one is for you!)

2008-10-13T14:22:00.000-07:00

Okay so I have to do it, just vent a little bit. I have not really turned that many guys down if they have asked me out on a date. I try to give everyone ( except some one I get creeped out by) at least a chance, but here is a clue for the guys. On a first date you should treat someone really great. Think of it like this, if its a blind date then it's your first impression. If you have been friends with this person its the first time that there might be a possibility for more, and if you just asked someone out because you thought you liked them then its the time that she can decide if she would ever go out with you again. In any way you look at it, why wouldn't you want to put your best foot forward?

I hate to break it to you but girls do test guys on the first date. Little things like if I try to pay for my portion will he actually take the money? Most ladies will offer but the key in that is that you should not accept. And don't say oh no I got the movie but you can get dinner, that just looks cheap because usually dinner is more expensive and means you failed a test on the date. Now I am not saying that we expect you to pay every single time, but for the first few dates it is nice and shows that you know how to treat a lady.

So here are some things to consider:

1. If you expect it to be a date, and she or you doesn't feel comfortable having you pick her up, offer to drive to her area of town at least, don't make her come to you.
2. If you are picking her up but for some reason aren't going to the door to pick her up, get out of the car to greet her and open the door for her. And then continue to open the doors, all the doors for her for the rest of the date.
3. if you are trying to impress her get to know her tastes in restaurants and movies and then you pick accordingly. That will show that you put some thought into it and that you care about what she likes.
4. Don't be on the phone, or texting while on the date, its rude and if its an emergency apologize and tell her that it is.
5.When she pulls out her wallet or money tell her that her money is not good here or something clever, but put effort in to NOT letting her pay and be genuine about it.
6. If you are going to have a cliche date ( you know dinner and a movie) be the man and step up to both places first like the ticket counter and the host at the restaurant. And be attentive, so if people are causing a disturbance in the movie theater and you notice that she seems annoyed by it and it is also bothering you then offer to move to a different spot or go to a different movie before she has to say something. it shows that you can take lead. Mainly through out the date be a gentleman show her that they still exist.
7. If you don't have money but want to go on a date, be creative I know most of my friends and I would enjoy that more anyway, like hiking, a picnic, a park, even something that is cheap like going to a drive in theater and bringing your own food because it would be cheaper, or a museum or gallery, they are good entertainment and less money than a movie plus you can actually talk to each other unlike at the movies.

These are good ways to help your chances on getting a yes if you wish to have a second date.

I'm gonna get serious for a minute and then we can get back to joking!

2008-07-02T02:01:00.000-07:00

I have been transcribing for a show that deals with addicts. Today after being touched by some of the follow up stories I decided to watch a couple of full episodes, but I started to cry my eyes out. I felt of the family members and for the addicts.

But then it struck me in a different way. I related to these addicts. Although I was never a drug user, or had any disorders, I made my family suffer. Because of the way I was acting, my parents thought I was on drugs, I displayed a lot of the signs. I made my family hurt, and got hurt when they shut me out because they were trying to protect themselves from me! Wow seeing things now in a different light made me realize that in a sense I was an addict, just not to the same things. But a lot of addicts have deeper issues that just get buried. Hmmm sounds like me. And they shut them selves off from feeling, hmmm again sounds familiar. And I might not have been addicted to drugs or such, but my addictions could have killed me to, just like the ones on this show!

And I never looked at it in this light before, but I got rehab through a healthy community who also related to what I was going through, through Jesus, who carried the burden and washes me clean, and through love because they cared enough to want the old me back!

BLOG Tagged

2008-06-26T02:32:00.000-07:00

Okay although I am really cursing the one who is making me do this ( you know who you are ahmm and your initials start with kay and end with tea!) Ok the rules. Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 6 people to be tagged, list their names & why you tagged them. Don’t forget to leave them a comment saying “You’re it!” & to go read your blog. You cannot tag the person that tagged you, so since you’re not to tag me back; let me know when you are done so I can go read YOUR weird/random/odd facts, habits and goals. But as a faithful blogger I will do it, but I refuse to pass the evil on so I will be breaking the chain! Sorry katie!

1) I like melted ice cream, I do I have no idea when this started because ever since I was little I actually asked people to microwave it so I could eat melted ice cream, and if you watch sometimes now I wait for it to get melty and I eat that, because then the other stuff will have time to melt and I will eat that. ( I have lots of wierd food habits, but I don't want to use all of my ten facts on the way I eat food!)

2) I have always thought it would be cool to learn how to be a pilot. I would love to try that out some day, it would just be cool.

3) I would love to travel by boat, and I don't mean a cruise ship, I mean like a yacht or something, and not just for a day. I think it would be such an adventure to travel for like a month by this means of transportation.

4) There are many places that I want to travel, but one of the lesser known ones is that I would love to go to Antartica, such an adventure.

5) Another means of transportation that I would love to experince is a hot air balloon. I have been in one once at a elementary school fair, but they only let you go up a little without actually being able to be unattatched to the rope that held us to the ground, not my idea of fun. I would like to actually go up in the sky and fly away!

6) I want to go on a safari, I mean a real one not thees little pretend ones, one that we are actually roughing it and maybe actually a couple of times fearing for my life without actually losing my life!

7) I really would love to go camping on the beach, but not have a tent, just me and ( okay forgive my romantic tendancies!) the man I love under the star lit sky and being woke up with the fresh ocean breeze! I probably should not have shared that one because I am sure it will now cause ridicule, but it is true! I also think of romantic non expensive dates, but no one ever asks for these great ideas. I am just waiting for someone else to actually come up with some on their own and take me on one of them. Oops I guess that was a side note!

8) I one day would love to be walking down the red carpet for a movie premiere that I was in. Hmmm I can't help it!

9) I want to have a book published one day, either a book of just my poetry or something that I wrote, but I do want that!

10) I think it would be really fun to take a mud bath! Crazy yes, but maybe also a very good time, on the same note, I think it would be amazing to also dive into a pool of roses ( obviously with water in it as well!) Okay that is all you get for now! I did 10 katie so you better be happy!

BEST of Both Worlds

2008-06-26T02:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think to myself that I am a city girl, and then there are other times when I think man I love the peace and quiet of the city. I want the best of both worlds. And then I was thinking man there are actually a lot of things in my life like that. Sometimes I really love rock and roll , and other times I could totally listen to country, or hip hop and I am totally at ease even when people are making fun of me. And style, sometimes I want to put on jeans and a tee, and other times I want to get all gussied up with my sex and the city heels, and feel like I am beautiful.
So this got me thinking, why do I have to choose? In a sense why can't I have my cake and eat it too? I mena I like cake, but not if I can't eat it! I just really find it funny that we are always trying so hard to please people around us. I am so guilty of it, but I actually do like country music, and I actually do like to take walks on the beach. So why am I afraid to show all of my colors to people? Hmm that is a very good question!

You take the lead

2008-05-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

So in my social dance class (salsa, swing, waltz, cha-cha, tango) the teacher taught us how important it was for the men to lead, and the women to follow. This is done really simply and easily if both are willing. The man needs to make decisions before the moves and should be thinking, and with a little bit of force should be able to tell a woman where he wants to take her. A woman, should be able to have enough tension in her arms and body so he can lead her in which ever direction. I found it frustrating when I would come up to a guy in the class, and he would ask me what he should do next. i would simply reply, " i don't know, your the guy" I know it might sound a bit harsh, but I really can't handle any more passive guys. I think that its it, no more, take off the skirt you think you are wearing and put on the pants. I am happy to be wearing the skirt in any relationship just fine. Take me for a dance and I will be content, but don't expect me to lead.
My friend and I talk about Dance crushes, they are the guys who are so great at leading that make you look like you are a great dancer. I want that kind of man in life.

Yelling at friends

2008-04-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

Well another day and another story. I sometimes can't believe how comedic my life can be at times. Since this dialog keeps coming up, I keep writing about it because it is at the forefront of my mind. I was on the phone last night with a really close friend of mine. We were arguing about eharmony, well actually about dating in general. I was almost to the point of yelling at her because I just want her to keep at something and not lose heart. You see she is a beautiful, talented, spiritual woman. ( Like so many of my friends) and yet can't seem to get a guy to respond to her. THIS WOMAN IS PHENOMENAL. So why aren't you men giving her the chance. But really it was funny, because she is stubborn and well I can be that way too, so I was not backing down, and I was telling her that she really need to read this book, she said she was behind already with reading so I told her to get a book on tape, well she said she would fall asleep. Sometimes I think I get so pumped up about something and I want my friends to get that way as well. But it doesn't always work that way. Oh well, it probably won't be the last time we disagree, and yet we don't let it ruin our friendship. Instead she is crafty! Oh yes, she mentions men for me! She has always been one to mention a guy to me, and before I have been against blind dates. But this year I am still single, and dateless, and well hey, you only live once, so I actually said she could set me up on as many blind dates as she wanted. I blame this crazy behavior on the fact that I hit my head really hard a couple of days ago on a the edge of a metal drawer( yes and i gashed my head, and it hurts!) So obviously this has caused some brain damage. She could not believe I said she could do it either. And I think we hung up shortly after because she didn't want me to change my mind. ( I am an INFP, I do that from time to time!) But needless to say I am determined to find my friend someone as well. After all she does for her friends, and guy would be crazy not to want her.